huwat?..that's my initial reaction when i found out that he's applying in same company im working for. Nagpapatawa ba sya? Una sa lahat, umalis sya cause he wants to be with his family (which is the main cause kung bakit nawala ang lahat between us). Then all of a sudden, after a year eh babalik sya? at sa company ko pa? Madami naman dyang iba!

 Well, eto ang concerns ko:

1.tinanggap ko na na hindi ko na sya makikita kahit kelan, ang i mean KAHIT KELAN. hindi ako ready sa thought na pwede ko syang makita bigla sa halls, sa pantry, sa kalsada, and moreover sa breakfasts ng barkada. I dont know kung anong mararamdaman ko at ayoko nang alamin pa.

2. Seeing him is scratching the scar and letting it bleed once more-its no joke. Siguro through the past year Ive learned to live with the pain. Hindi naman sya nawala, I just learned to deal with it, and got used to it. Pero pag dumating sya, hindi maiiwasan na mabalik lahat-pain, memories, at worse baka mapag-usapan pa.

 3. At higit sa lahat-ang PINAKA-IMPORTANTE. Since nandito na sya- tanggap ko na yung samin and all that pero I feel na it would all feel SO REAL pag andito sya, nakikita mo sa harap mo mismo kesa sa malayo lang sya. Worst, pano kung mag ka gf sya dito?..Magbrebreakfast ang barkada tapos ipapakilala nya ang jowa nya-TSE! Id rather not to see all that-kung ako lang masusunod bumalik ka na sa PAMPANGA!

there's nothing more painful than being hurt for the same exact reason, and what's worse is that deep inside I know that Im ready to face the same pain over and over just to be with him.

He said he likes me. But I guess that's not enough. He makes me feel special but were just friends. M.U? I dont know, and it sucks.BIGTIME.

But the hell with it, he makes me happy and I thought that's enough. Well that's what I thought.  Being with him is like standing in the rain, it feels good but deep inside,you know its going to make you sick. I was happy just being with him, but in this type of situation, I was never prepared to the fact that one day he could come up to me and say that he has another girl and of course, who am i to blame him if im just a friend, right?...

He broke up with his ex. With the f**** ex. He said that they are trying to fix things but he realized that It'll never gonna work out. Shocking. I never thought he's still talking with the ex. Much more, trying to build a broken relationship. Well, I should be happy, thrilled and full of joy. The important thing is IT DIDNT WORK OUT. 

But that's not the case. I felt like a toy that was set aside when the kid found the long lost barbie doll. I felt stupid, I felt betrayed. So all this time, when I was dealing with my feelings for him and thinking that its okay to be hurt just to be with him, he was out there exchaging hugs and sweet kisses with the long lost ex. When I was in my bed thinking of the times that we spent together, he was out there with another girl. Stupid me.

What made me think that he will love me? What made me think that he'll stay? What made me think that Im the priority and not just the option.

I said im done. I said Im through. Its about time to let go of the things that hurt me even if they make me happy. I dont want the time to come that all the happiness was gone and all I could feel is the pain. I'll let him go.

But deep inside I know I cant. What should I do?...Make me dumb, right now.

Somebody told me that its very hard to tell what I think or feel. That's true. In fact, I can conceal my emotions without even trying.  So, what do I think? Here let me tell you.

So first off, he makes me feel special. ( Not all the time though) Im not quite sure of what he thinks about me either. Sometimes I feel that he acts like a boyfriend, I dont know. Yes, he can be sweet sometimes, but he is like that to everybody. Im confused.

On my end, he is special to me. Its hard to explain but let me try okay? Its not that I love him, like has a big difference with love. And I do get jealous too, when he starts to talk about other girls. (yikes) He's special in a way that he's in the middle of a friend and a special someone. Just in the middle. Maybe because im holding back and he's holding back. I have my reasons he has his reasons. talk about playing safe huh?

People are actually wishing, and hoping for us to be together. But I dont know. I havent thought about it. Dont they think that It'll just make things complicated?

And Im not really sure if we have something to start over with.

Why is he like that? Here's my very own conclusions.

1. Maybe he's just like that because he misses the feeling of having "someone" and having me around reminds him of that feeling. He misses the feeling but he really doesnt want to be committed. He has a point. This is a win-win situation for him. Iam there when he needs me but he can stop whenever he wants to. No promises, no hassles, easy way out.  Which is I find very unfair. First of all, why start something you have no intentions of finishing? Why would you let someone fall for you if you only want friendship? Sounds selfish? you decide for yourself.

2. Or maybe, he simply likes me. 

So the bottomline is, do I want us to be together?  Im curious. What would it feel like? But does being curious mean that I do?...

"I have never felt so toyed-with, so carelessly set aside, here is the man I trusted and he was breaking my heart before my very eyes"

DAMN IT. Who's that girl? I kept thinking. But why do i care anyways? I don't know either. But all I know is that I was hurt. Simply because I thought he was different but then again, he's just like anybody else.


It all starts with the question why. What did I do? Questions are all over my head and I have a thousand of could-be reasons why he did that to me. Maybe because he didn't like me enough, maybe because he was too afraid to get hurt or maybe he thought that I like someone else. Maybe, just maybe. So many questions that needs to be answered to mend the aching heart.


I felt like crap.Was I that dispensable? How can it be that easy for him to ignore me like this?
The worst part is that I had given my best, but I was left behind. He chose someone over me and didn't even care about what I would THINK or FEEL. Without any warnings, he chose to break my heart and all I got were lies and false promises.

 

I was pretty jealous of those families that went out of town last holy week. I just stayed at home. We asked dad if we coild go to the beach or something, and as usual he said that HE HAS WORK.

During holy week? Damn. If its true that he works during the holidays just liek what he always uses as an excuse, then I definitely think that his boss should double or even triple the digits man. But then again, he's just with them.

"I cant accept the fact that he chooses to be with them istead of us. Now tell me, who could blame me for hating him?"

Mom always tell us not to hate dad because at least he did not desert us. Should I thank him for that? He's just doing that because that is what everyone expects him to do and maybe to clear his conscience as well. I just wish that I wouldnt be affected anymore but he always hurt my feelings.

"For everything that he has done, Im hurt and the pain is so deep, deeper that anybody knows"

Some things are never meant to last and some things are not even meant to start, period. Ive been fishing around for years and still, trying to look for someone..Ive never really posted anything about this or even talked to anyone because Im afraid that people might think that Iam desperate.. Im not, because if Iam, I might have had settled for anyone that crossed my way years ago.

Maybe because of ___. My first major relationship was so great that I really had a hard time finding a replacement. Its just that it's true. When you came from a decent relationship , it becomes your standard of a new one thus making it hard to be replaced.

It has been 4 years of meeting new fishes.  Yeah it has been tooo long.It has been 4 years of exchanging smiles and pretensions with Mr. Almosts. Why am I so afraid? I have always thought Im ready for a new relationship. Yes I am. But the world isn't just too ready for me yet. Hindi ako mapili, sweet talks just dont win me over and this cruel world enjoys hooking me up with the wrong crowd:

Mr. Too hot to handle. Major goal nia sa buhay is to get laid. that's it.

Youngster. Younger than me gusto pa yata akong gawing sex teacher..Ewwww

Mabait sana kaya  lang sa sobrang bait nagiging walang kwenta

Mr. Too good to be true. OA magpropose di pa kayo kasal na gusto pag usapan.

Dare me guy. Keeps on daring me to try on a relationship with him just to see if it'll work. ASA! 

at higit sa lahat yung di na cute, di pa mabait, di professional at di matalino pero overflowing ang confidents!  say it again confidents!

I am not ashamed of this because I dont believe that love finds you,  instead you go out and look for it. You meet new people and take new chances. In love, you always try and try but dont settle easily for the one who's around and pending. Yes I  met new guys, took chances,  almost fell in love and ended up hurting myself because there will always be something thats not right. And I refuse to correct that myself, for it only means one thing—–it's not love yet.That hurts. It hurts because Im selfish, it hurts because Im weak. I hated myself for not being able to choose my battles wisely. It only takes a sincere man to melt my heart. How come he hasn't arrived yet?

I can only pray that you're on the way.